| The Wall |
| I was spit out! I was squeezed out! I was but a thud on a floor! Like some paste, popped from a tube with to tight an opening to ever pass! Like a cork with to much fizz behind it, forcing it to burst from its entrapment in a bottle. There I was! |
| But where, is was? And where, was I going from here? As I laid upon the floor filled with black visions of darkness. All was without light. All was without meaning. All was without the sanity of what I had known as my past. I think I looked to all sides and like there was nothing, but a black vacuum of empty wishes. Here, it would have been so easy to wish for a safe house to dream in, because my mind screamed, with not much else to do. And even if my hands had not failed me and left me for a better, more solid place. Designated by that spit from that whirlpools funnel. I doubt I'd have more reason than now to continue on the journey before me. I closed down all my senses and prayed with all my might, that when I opened my eyes, I would see some of the days bright light. And the sounds of birds, outside my window, singing a song of morning's wake, so sweet. But my fate and dreams would have none of that for me! The light I noticed was only a spec of light, with trails of fire, ringing out a warning. A warning of things to come for this poor wretched state, my thoughts have been left to go. And the spec grew larger! And before me, I could sense, no . . . I could see that my hands had not left me at all, but only had been hidden by this darkness. And this red dark glow grew and grew until more distinct shapes could be found, shapes that could be held onto my sanities cry. At first, what I saw startled me, then I thought again, "Oh shit! Just more of the same!" I was already sick to death of this Alice in Wonderland spiral decent into Hell! What came into focus next, like at bat of Hell, was a brick wall of immeasurable length and breath. Was my vision playing sour tricks on me tonight or my pillow twisted beneath my head? Was my being sent on this journey to test me for horrid things done in my waking life? With no end in sight, either way I looked and no ceiling or floor, for solid balance above and below me. I spun around in question. In horror, that this ceiling and this floor had no additional walls in any direction to contain it, but only a vanishing point to nowhere land! "Run! Run! Fly!" I screamed to myself. I must find the way out of this Hells dream, of this very madness that's so crewel to my inner soul. As I ran, I kept one of my hands to guide me, touching this wall along its right, then back, the other way, to its left. No way, was I going to lose this hold on sanity. My only hope to was to lean against the wall. So I ran and I ran, until speed had no meaning. I was caught up on this road of no determinable length or breath or height! Finally, after taking one direction, for as long as I could. I stopped and realized, in terror, that everything, every direction, looked the same. Everything! All I had wished for went no where and found nothing! Have you ever been dead center in one of those subway tunnels leading to another part of the station, but because of its length it makes you feel uncomfortable in your own skin! I have! That's what this place was like! Down right uncomfortable in myself! I knew this was a bad place to go. I knew this was a bad place to linger. I knew my only chance of surviving this place was in taking a different route for survival! You may ask. "Survival for what?" What reason could I have to want to survive on this road? I took my deep sigh and broke my grip, on what seemed to be my only source for security in this place. The wall of bricks. I closed down my senses, for a moment and struggled to get hold of what was below me. To move ahead to that vanishing point. The only way I knew how to do it, was by turning and seeing that the wall was becoming smaller with each stroke of my step. I sensed there was another looming problem. My vanishing point was not moving away but coming closer as I moved toward it. How could this be? What form of madness was linking me to this dream? And brewing a new state of horror as I turned to find, that the wall that had been my only comfort had vanished too. I looked up with the gagging feeling that the ceiling was slowly closing in on me. I began to run. Quicker,I ran. Run, run, run and run. Faster, faster to that vanishing point, that now seemed to be coming closer, as the ceiling was coming closer too. I must have had five feet or less to run in this direction. And I gagged. And it turned to bile. And bile to shortness of breath, of unsympathetic pain. The vanishing point could be seen plainly now, that it was no vanishing point at all, but strange kind of converging point of this ceiling and floor. What a dreadful place this is! What a horrid thing to do to a self! Melting in my own unhappy state of mind, I cringed at the thought that my only recourse was to get back as fast as I could to that walls cold safety. And this time, I more than ran. I flew with the power of my turbine powered fear. With all of my might I knew I had to run and keep running to that place I could start from scratch. It was different from the last time, because the wall, now dead ahead of me, was not my safety net. It was the only chance of survival I had left, in my poor aching thoughts. I finally reached the wall, I thought my lungs would blow, that I would stop and find out which way to go, from that point on. But I didn't. I kept my speed and darted in whatever direction my fear took me. At top speed I flew down the wall. Changing my mind from quiting or buckling under the pressure of this morbid situation. Losing my mental bearings, I realized that something else was occurring, while I ran down the wall right into this no where's land. I was twisting like a cork screw as I went. The ceiling had become the wall and the wall the floor. Back and forth I went, to and fro, to and fro. I couldn't let go of this feeling that somewhere down this road a shimmer of hope, for me, survived. Hope? There must be hope. There just must be. Then suddenly, I heard belts turning and gears clanking, right ahead of me. Finally, this wall led me to another place of hope. So this is what I did. I went straight for that sound! |
| Chapter Four |